Working yourself out of a job

I am having the absolute worst time getting into my job lately. No ambition, no spark, no drive, no enthusiasm, no nothing. I sit here at my desk pondering all the things I should be doing, and just find a big, blank, empty well of nothing to draw from. I still go through the motions, mind you, but my heart’s just not in it.

A friend here at work just came in, who’s been involved in our employee compensation study. It’s been a long, painful, drawn-out process, and I really respect those who have been involved. We chatted for a bit, and I only bring him up because he’s been my sounding board for my realignment proposal here at work. Not having a degree has really hurt me in a lot of ways. Not in every way, because I’m someone who knows how to learn and can usually figure things out. However, in my proposal I suggest re-structuring the communications staff and conservation staff into one section/division/department. In doing that, we would need a new management position to oversee both facets of the division.

It makes good sense to join the two; most of our external messaging is conservation, and by myself I’m unable to keep up with external and internal needs. It’s too much. Up to now, we’ve been using an external PR firm, which, incidentally, no one in house can stand to work with except the assistant general manager, who ultimately decides whether we’ll rehire them or not. (And yes, he knows how we feel.)

Anyway, all of that as background information now brings me to my perceived source of apathy: a grandfathering of degreeless employees who have been put into positions that require degrees, but a moratorium of hiring any others into new, degree-required positions.

My boss, the general manager, is opening a window for said degreeless employees to issue a proposal on how they would pursue their degrees and what they would go after. All fine, you say, so what’s the problem? My dear husband, as mentioned in an earlier blog (see "Stress sucks"), has just returned to school himself. Adjusting to both of us working full time has been a trick; adjusting to that plus him returning to school has been painful, and the thought of me joining him is just excruciating. Only in that we have just one computer, no free time together, and our house is a disaster. My children are barely kept clothed and fed (ok, I’m exaggerating on that last one). Adding to the current work and stress load would certainly put me over the top.

So, here I sit, with this wonderful proposal in the works, basically working myself right out of a promotion. Sigh. Beth pointed out that surely I could go to school online, since I already spend quite a bit of time there. Yes, I probably could, but I just don’t think it’s in the cards, all things considered. There’s a difference in hitting the "refresh" button once in a while and having to read, study, and basically work a second, part-time job, which is what Ed’s counselors have told him he will have to consider his schooling.

The good news in all this? We are adjusting, and life is good. His schooling has not been anything extraordinarily taxing as of yet, and I’m still holding my own. Whew. I guess I’m just not ready to upset a just-balancing apple cart.

So, am I nuts? Does any of this make sense? Am I crazy to miss this opportunity? I guess I should finish this entry by stating my intentions should my proposal go through and we actually hire someone with a degree: I will work towards having part-time hours here at work and stay more at home. I like that idea, especially with teenage-boy years coming up. That, my friends, seems like the opportunity not to miss. Schools will always be around, but my young sons will not.

And finally, to bring this full circle: I suspect that my apathetic attitude has something to do with my sense of foreboding. Nothing really left to strive for; hence my lack of interest. However, as my friend who came into my office said, "I’m sure it will pass."